Memoirs of Father Shiron
Part 3 - Life's a Beach
just like Mr. Ben on the telly," exclaimed Presto excitedly.
"I've always wanted to do that and now I have, just wait till I tell
"Funny," said Shiron
thoughtfully. "I thought it was a bit like Star Trek. You know, when
Captain Kirk and Dr Spock beam down from the Enterprise, it all goes funny
they're in a different place."
"You get used to it when
you've done it as often as I have," joined in Dick. "It's
still quite an experience though I must admit. It always gives me a
funny feeling in my tummy, like going over a hump bridge in my XR3i."
"I've had to buy an
ordinary wind up watch since I took up this lark," said Feanar.
"My Casio digital packed up when I came through the interface
on adventures, it's never been the same since. Even my magic spells
couldn't get it to work properly so I got rid of it. One thing I am
happy to say hasn't suffered at all is my Sony Walkman. You'll be pleased to know I've brought a good selection of tapes
"What made you take up
D&D Feanar?" asked Falamir inquisitively. "I did
it for the excitement, the challenge, the glory, you know."
"I did it for the
money," answered the MU (magic user). "I've got a whacking great
mortgage and this seemed the best way to earn the readies. MUs are pretty
well paid you know. And above the basic rate there's always a fair
bit of treasure, valuable items, magic charms and weapons etc.
etc. You can get a good price for them if you know where to
"Brill," said Falamir. "I'd love to find a legendary magic Fender
Stratolute. Have you ever seen one?"
"No chance," answered
Feanar. "There's no such thing, it's just rumour I'm
afraid. However I did hear once of a very rare and valuable item
that you might be interested in, although I doubt there's any chance of
coming across one in this adventure."
that?" inquired Falamir, fascinated.
"A magic Gibson SG,"
answered Feanar. "Or to give it it's more dramatic magical item
catalogue name- a Gibson of Destruction. I know only of one person
who can control it. He plays it like a demon, a man possessed.
Legend has it it does actually possess him. Who knows? maybe
it does. You can never be too careful with these powerful magic
items, some of them can take you over completely."
"Wow," dreamed Falamir
"Forget it kid," said
Erendil. "That guy's been Shot Down In Flames, taken on
the Highway To Hell and is forever Back In Black. That magic SG has
taken him over completely. Perfectly normal beforehand, he was drawn
towards it's long slender neck and High Voltage glowing pickups.
After he made
contact with it for the first time all he could hear was Hell's
Bells. It was definitely a Touch Too Much and he's been doing the
Bad Boy Boogie in a badly fitting school uniform ever since."
"How do you know all
this?" asked Shiron.
"Oh, a Fly On The Wall
told me," answered Erendil.
"Quit gassing you
lot," interrupted Dick leaning on his long sword. "A C de C is
rising swiftly. Let us depart lest we get our new white trainers
And so the intrepid adventurers picked up their equipment and made their
way up the beach and into the next bit of this epic tale.
T'was a light, warm, spring evening in Middle Earth,
fragrant with a heady mix of the scent of new flowers and traffic exhaust,
when the young Shiron ....... er ........ oops, sorry - we've done that
bit already ......... Ah, here we are ........
proceeded up the beach towards the line of imposing high rise hotels
ringing the seafront. It was only now that they realised they were
being scrutinised very closely by numerous holiday makers. They
seemed to have materialised on the beach of a popular holiday resort and
were being regarded with astonishment and amusement by the sunbathers,
many of whom were attractive young ladies in very fetching beach
wear. Not surprisingly, this was something that the group noticed
very quickly, especially the young Falamir. All thoughts of the
adventure in hand flew from his adolescent mind as he switched seamlessly into chat up mode. He sauntered up to the nicest looking girl in the
vicinity to try his luck. He was doomed to failure however as he had
only scored 7 points for charisma on his creation and on a scale of
1-18 that's not too good. The girl was most unimpressed, both by his
line of banter and his BO which was exacerbated by the heat and his
heavy armour. His youthful enthusiasm undeterred, he moved on to try
his luck with another - no luck there either.
Whilst Falamir was trying his
utmost to pull, the rest of the party decided to take a well earned
break! They sat down on the warm white sand. Unlike Falamir they did not try the old chat up routine. They were professionals
and had to keep their minds on the task at hand.
"I must say it is very
pleasant here Presto," said Feanar. "I'd quite like to
spend the morning here in the sun before setting off properly, charge the
"What do you need to
charge them for? I thought you put some fresh ones in before we
"No you twit. I mean
soak up some rays in preparation for the perils ahead. After all, we
weren't given any specific time limit to do this job were we?"
"Oh. Right. No
I guess not," replied Presto. "But I'd still like to get
going as I'm looking forward to it."
"We'll let Falamir have
his fun. After a while he'll realise he's going to get nowhere and
he'll give up. He's got to find out for himself what it means to
have a charisma of 7. Ha Ha, poor kid. Still, we may as well
make the most of it while we're waiting. I'll stick a tape on.
I think the 'Best of the Beach Boys' will do nicely."
A thoughtful expression swept
across Feanar's face. "Hang on a minute. It is me who's
got the Walkman isn't it?" he asked in general. "It
was several paragraphs back now and I can't remember who's supposed
to have it."
"Yeah, I think so,"
answered Dick. "Anyway, you have now so get it going.
Have you got any of those little external speakers with it. Connect
them up so we can all enjoy it."
"Sure thing Dickie
baby," answered Feanar, pulling them from a side pocket of his pack.
And so the party played it cool, relaxing on the beach in
the sunshine, admiring the view and chatting amongst themselves whilst Falamir
stubbornly refused to admit defeat.
"Hey, are you lot going to
a fancy dress party?" enquired a pretty brunette lying near to
"An easy mistake to make
but no," replied Erendil trying hard to be cool but barely hiding his
annoyance at the unintentional insult. "We are professional
adventurers at the start of an important quest."
"What do you mean
'professional adventurers'?" asked the girl amused, noticing the
strange bloke was trying hard to look cool despite obviously being
annoyed. "You mean you do it for a living, tramping around in
all that funny gear, going on adventures?"
"That is correct,"
answered Erendil. "Have you ever heard of D&D?"
This bloke was just begging to
be wound up so she carried on to see how long it would take for him to
"What. You mean that silly role playing game where
people pretend they're knights and wizards and elves and go off
fighting goblins and monsters and find treasure and stuff?" She could see him turning a reddish colour and it had
nothing to do with sunburn. She imagined she could almost see steam
beginning to come out of his ears. Encouraged, she pressed on.
"Yeah, my little brother plays it with his gang of mates, shutting
themselves away for hours on end in a darkened room when they should be
outside playing in the fresh air. It's pretty sad if you ask me. Say,
are those ears for real? They look just like that bloke's off Star
She reached over to playfully
tweak Erendil's right ear. It was at that moment that Erendil did his
best impression of an exploding stick of dynamite. Pulling his head
away to evade her he shrieked, "GET OFF ME.
SAD? SAD?!! How dare you talk about me and my profession like
that. I've never been so insulted in all my life, and I'm a lot older
than I look."
She had successfully achieved
her objective but still flinched back with the strength of his reaction.
"I am an Elven warrior and
part of an adventuring party," he continued, fighting really hard to
regain his composure. "I am what I am."
The others looked round at
Erendil's outburst, as did many nearby. The girl could see from his
manner that he was serious. She could hardly contain herself.
"You're an actual real
D&D character, not just someone dressing up as one?"
"That's correct. We
all are," Erendil replied, his temper gradually fading as realisation
began to dawn on the girl's face.
amazing," said the girl. "Quite ghafflebette."
kind of expression is that?" enquired Erendil.
"You must have heard of
that," answered the girl. "My brother uses it all the
time. It means 'out of this world.' It comes from a silly
comic he reads called 2000AD."
"Never heard of it.
I'm a Beano man myself," said Erendil haughtily.
"Oh sure, 2000AD. I
get that every week, it's great," joined in Shiron.
"Slaine's my favourite as it's all sword and sorcery, much like
what I do. But I've not really done much of it yet, this is my first
"So you're sort of a
virgin then," said the girl cheekily.
Yes, I suppose so," answered Shiron a bit embarrassed. As his
head moved the girl caught a glint of sunlight from below Shiron's left
"What's that in your
ear?" she asked in a puzzled kind of way.
"Oh that's my Holy
symbol," answered Shiron proudly.
"Hey, that's really
cool. What a great idea. So you must be a cleric then."
right" beamed Shiron. "It is rather nifty isn't it.
So much more original than a plain, boring hand held cross and much easier
to use as it's always out and flashing, if you'll pardon the
expression," he added with a grin.
"And it keeps both your
hands free for weapons or spell casting," she added
Shiron liked this girl, especially as she had done such a good job of
annoying Erendil. He needed bringing down a peg or two.
"So, do you have any other
symbols?" she enquired.
Shiron was about to answer when he stopped himself.
Should he tell her? It had seemed a good idea at the time but now he found himself
feeling rather silly.
deliberated. I have got another one but Iíd rather not say what it is and what itís for, if
you donít mind."
"Oh go on, do tell,"
pleaded the girl." Just between you and me. Please?"
"Oh alright then but you
must promise not to tell anyone else. Iíd be very embarrassed", resigned Shiron.
"OK, sure," said the
Shiron bent over and whispered
in her ear.
"A what?" cried the
girl, putting her hand over her mouth in a vain attempt to stop the gale
of laughter that wanted to escape. As she lost the fight, Shironís face turned bright pink and
he departed with haste.
Dick De Danger
found himself sitting near a particularly shapely redhead who, he noticed,
was giving him a real eyeful.
"Well Hi there big
boy", she mouthed at him in a sultry fashion. "My name's
Conny Tation. What's yours?"
"Dick," said Dick.
She giggled. "Of
course it is. Judging by the size of you I bet they call you Big
---." At that moment Feanar's Walkman blared out 'Good
Vibrations' and the end of her sentence was drowned out.
"Sorry I didn't catch
that," apologised Dick.
"Never mind," said
the girl, edging closer. She reached out a sure hand to Dick's side
and ran it along his longsword scabbard. "Oh my, that's a big
long one you've got there Dick. Do you know how to use it
"I am a master swordsman
Conny and wield my weapon with grace, power and precision."
"I thought as much.
You look like a hardened warrior,"
she breathed at him. She edged even closer still and Dick began to
feel uncomfortable as she wrapped her perfectly manicured hand around the hilt and began to slowly
draw the sword out.
"Be careful Conny,"
said Dick with growing concern on his face. "Don't put your
hands on the blade. It's very sharp."
Looking up through her
eyelashes, Conny breathed into Dick's ear extremely suggestively, "Oh
Dick, how can I possibly come to any harm as your big shaft is safely
inside a protective sheath."
Despite being a man of the
world Dick was an old fashioned gentleman at heart and this was all too
much for him. He blushed, made his excuses and went to join Presto,
Shiron and Feanar who were playing Frisbee with Falamir's buckler
At that moment Falamir returned, by now universally rejected and totally dejected.
"Let's go guys," he
said in a depressed manner. "I'm not having any luck here at
"Good idea. You
won't get any argument from me," answered Erendil, still rather put
"Me neither," agreed
both Shiron and Dick fervently in unison.
"But we're having a great
time," disagreed both Presto and Feanar fervently in unison.
"We've wasted enough time
already. Remember we've got a job to do here," chided
Erendil. At that point Feanar's tape finished and so he reluctantly
And so they gathered all their equipment again, said their goodbyes and made
their way up the beach and into the next part of this adventure.
Here endeth Part 3.
Don't miss the next episode 'Home Truths'
It's here now. Click on Next